my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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