Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
