after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
