If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
