my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
