You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
