I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
