Non-Jews are for practice
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
