worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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