I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize
