Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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