Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
