barbara walters just said penis...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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