How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
