I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
