wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
