I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
