Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
