i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
