I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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