Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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