I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
