I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
