he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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