mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
