The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
