I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
