Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think my moral compass just broke
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
