last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
