This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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