whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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