how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
