okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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