I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
