I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
