I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
