Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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