ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
