The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
