So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
