how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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