I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
