I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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