I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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