i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
