I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
