He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
