I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
