There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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