We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
