Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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