Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
