hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
