Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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