I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize