I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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