Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
