evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
