And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
