Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize