I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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