im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just tell him i said nine months
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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