its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
