I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
