You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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